Gideon has been doing better with attachment with Doug. He still doesn't want me most of the time and IF he does it is very short lived. I decided this morning to give him his space and let him come to me on his terms. That meant he ignored me for most of the day. He did have me hold him and then fell asleep. Doug would say he did good because Gideon gave me a kiss but that was one kiss for mom and 5 for dad. Doreen, my sister, asked if I was being real on our blog. The answer is yes, but there is still much that is not said. I like to be real but this situation is one that unless you are the rejected mom you simply can not understand the feelings so I won't put myself out there to be judged. Truly, I won't even talk to Doug about it.
In the movie Hook, there is a scene where Tinkerbell is trying to teach Peter Pan how to fly again. She tells him to find his happy thought. I found mine today. As I look around the room we are in, the same one as our last adoption, or go to the bathroom and remember the cute little hand that opens the door and peeks in, I see my Hyrum,s face. I see his contagious smile that lights up his whole body and makes his eyes sparkle. For now Hyrum is my happy thought. He is the memory I would like to think on. Not the difficult ones of a tough adjustment to mom with both Bria and Gideon. I really just want to hold my Hyrum and soak up his unconditional love for me. Oh, I know it will get better and it comes in baby steps but that doesn't change today. Not only does Gideon have to struggle but so does everyone else around him, especially his family.
Too often in adoption we focus on the child that is being adopted. The new parents and siblings are marginalized because they didn't lose everything and have to learn to trust all new people. That is true, but adoption disrupts everything. After the child, Mom has the biggest adjustment to make. There is no way to prepare for the challenges that come as we struggle with our emotions. We feel like we have no right to feel these things because we are the adult. Yes, I'm the adult but I still have weakness and struggle too. Mom's have to be the one to ease every ones suffering and help each person find their new place while still finding ours. It's time that I allow myself the space to grieve what I had hoped would be but will take time to develop. It's time to allow myself to be human and not expect myself to be strong all the time and prefect. It's time to admit to everyone that I need support and help at times. It's time to let myself cry the same tears of loss and hurt that I allow my son to cry.
Was this a little too real or a little too raw? I don't like to expose myself like this but maybe others will read these thoughts and realize that they are not alone and it's OK to struggle too. My second greatest wish right now is to be at home in my bed with the covers over my head fast asleep. My first greatest wish, since you are probably wondering, I will keep close to my heart.