Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Things People Say

While in the hospital with Gideon I made a friend of another patient. This friend had her baby in November and has been in the hospital all but 10 days. This little baby had heterotaxy like Gideon and severe heart issues. Her only hope was a transplant and she was quickly deteriorating. She needed a transplant ASAP! The day Gideon died this little one was in the OR getting her new heart. What a miracle that she even got a heart. This mom and baby are 9 hours away from family and friends so they don't have much support.

I decided to go visit them because it was so good for me to have others come when I sat in the hospital. This past Wednesday was the day I could go because some of the kids were home from school so they could babysit. I couldn't sleep well that night because of the anxiety of going back to the hospital. I wavered back and forth that morning if I would go or not. I was sure this friend would understand if I didn't come. I gathered my courage and got ready to go. Just before I left I called to make sure my friend was there. I didn't want to go with that anxiety if she wasn't there. There was no answer so I postponed my trip.

Hannah and I went to visit on Friday. We also brought some rubber band bracelets to donate to the children. It was amazing the miracles that we experienced. Heavenly Father was very mindful of me and my needs. It was a great visit with some tough moments that were tempered by all the wonderful people we saw. Jen our Child Life Specialist was such a support for us. While visiting with my friend I was told that just that day the staff became concerned about possible rejection of her new heart. They were going to take the baby in for a heart cath and do a biopsy of the heart to see exactly what was happening.

Word came back that this baby was in severe rejection. Not good news. I messaged with my friend and asked if I could come and visit again today. I headed back up to the hospital late this morning. I couldn't let my friend go through this alone. It is so hard to sit in the hospital and watch all the sorrow and fear of others while dealing with your own pain and fear. We talked for quite a while and I got to visit with a couple of our nurses for Gideon.

One nurse was especially fond of Gideon. She must have been told I was there and came to say hello. We talked for a little while and she asked how I was doing. (If you talk to me in person you will get a watered down version of how we are compared to what I experience at times. I am doing very well considering my son just died 3 weeks ago and for 3 weeks before that we were profoundly worried about Gideon and sat in the hospital with him for 2 of those weeks. It has not been easy by any means but I'm not going to go around telling my sob story so someone can feel sorry for me. It doesn't get me or the other person anywhere. Besides, I have been greatly blessed to be doing so well and I choose to count my blessings.) So, on with the story. I wasn't quite sure what to say because I didn't want to downplay the seriousness of what we are going through but I also didn't feel like it was the right time or person to open up to. I told her we were doing pretty good and that I expected it to be much more difficult to function after the loss of Gideon.

Her response was interesting. She proceeded to tell me that she was sure that carrying a baby in your stomach for 9 months and having them for a few months is harder that having adopted a child and losing them to death. She went on in that way for a little bit and I tried to help her not feel so stupid just in case she realized what she had said, but she never did. I responded that I'm sure the longer you have a child (meaning bio or adopted) the more triggers you will have. No mention of the amount of grief. I felt positive toward this nurse but it stung a little. I always tell myself in those situations that people would never say something like that if they truly understood. It's just ignorance speaking.

Both of the nurses in the room left and my friend whispered that she could not believe what was just said. It would be like telling her that she doesn't love her step son. Yeah, I was normal for having those words sting.

Just to be very clear, NEVER SAY THAT THE BOND BETWEEN A BIO AND ADOPTED CHILD ARE DIFFERENT. They aren't! My child is my child no matter how they got here or how long I have had them.

P.S. I can't think of a good picture to go with this so if you have a good idea let me know. :

                             Suzy, a friend of mine came up with the perfect picture



  1. It's Perfect! I love you guys and miss you so much!
    I love you all! :)
    -Chloe Cook

    1. Chloe, we miss you. Can't wait to see you. SOON!

  2. First of all you are just amazing. What a wonderful friend you are to visit another going through a similar experience. You know my feelings on what the nurse said. I am not sure where she got her training.