A Picture Of My Grief
Yesterday I was with two of my daughters and a sister-in-law. It just happened that we all came together without planning or calling each other. It was such a blessing in disguise for me. I know I wasn't the only one that needed the support and love yesterday. We all did to some degree, but don't we always. We all went to Costco to get a skirt. I saw them a few days ago and knew Sereen and Jessica would like them for the summer. In the midst of everything, I expressed that my brain just doesn't seem to be working right. They were a little surprised at that. I decided that it may be good for others to see what grief looks like, at least my grief.
The first week and a half I was sad, heartbroken. I was surprised at how well I was functioning, although it was in a heavy fog. I wasn't a mess on the floor sobbing all the time. I found it difficult to make decisions and avoided them or just went with whatever was easiest. My jaw was always sore from the tension and a headache always present. I quickly developed aching all over my body and in my joints. I felt a profound tiredness and inability to get myself moving. ( Those are still my constant companions) I didn't care if anything got accomplished outside of the immediate necessities that kept coming up while planning a funeral. Through all that I also felt a great sense of peace and light from my Father in Heaven. I felt the presence of Gideon very often and felt his words speak to my mind.
I knew this protection that surrounded me would soon leave and I was scared! Over the next couple of weeks the grief came off and on. I felt so blessed that it wasn't as difficult as I expected. Then one day.... it all changed. The darkness thickened and the sorrow became almost unbearable. I felt like I was in a cocoon. The dark gray that enfolded me was impenetrable. I would see the mountains that surrounded me remembering that I felt the beauty and serenity they offered but I just couldn't reach it. I see the sunlight and the healing it offers but that dark cocoon that has engulfed me is relentless. I try to scratch my way out and I don't get anywhere. My mind is numb. I can do things and not remember that I've done them. I have to write every little thing down that needs to be done as soon as I think of it or I just won't remember. I forget to feed my children lunch or put in the next load of laundry. I wander the house or sit frustrated that I can't seem to think of what I need to do. I feel like I see through a dark looking glass that is smudged and dirty. At times I can't make heads or tails of what I see. But others, the view is clear and discernible yet tinged with gray. Once in a while that cocoon will get a puncture a small stream of light will get through and I feel happiness.
In the last couple days the sorrow has been so overpowering that I can barely stop the tears. I feel the anger seeping in and I hate it. Not the anger at God but anger in general. I feel an angry thought and want to lash out yet I can also recognize it is not the fault of whatever or whomever I feel angry at but the grief that is speaking. So many of my insecurities are rearing their ugly heads again. Those things that Satan has used on me, some since I was a child, to keep me down and make me forget who I am. I don't like this. I don't want it anymore. I dream of laying on a quiet beach letting the sound of the waves lull me into a sense of peace while the sun burns away that cocoon that is smothering the joy right out of me. To eventually have the sun reach my skin burning me to the point that I can feel again. Having the light sink deep into my soul warming me and bringing a genuine smile to my face.
I cry out often to my Father. Prayers of grief, prayers of gratitude and prayers for my children. My Father is there. He has not deserted me and reminds me often that all things are for my good. There is so much more to this than Gideon dying and one day the joy will win out. I am reminded often that Jesus is the healer of my soul and the giver of peace to my children. The cocoon will receive more punctures letting in more light and they will be permanent. But for now I am to learn some things and I need to trust that I will succeed. I am ever grateful for the strength of spirit that I have been given. Grateful for a kind husband that tries with all his might to do what is right. Grateful for a new perspective and new doors to be opened in our lives. I am grateful for a greater work that is ours to do. A work that needs us to go through this dark trial so we have Gideon on the other side helping us succeed. There is much darkness for the moment but as was said to Joseph Smith:
The first week and a half I was sad, heartbroken. I was surprised at how well I was functioning, although it was in a heavy fog. I wasn't a mess on the floor sobbing all the time. I found it difficult to make decisions and avoided them or just went with whatever was easiest. My jaw was always sore from the tension and a headache always present. I quickly developed aching all over my body and in my joints. I felt a profound tiredness and inability to get myself moving. ( Those are still my constant companions) I didn't care if anything got accomplished outside of the immediate necessities that kept coming up while planning a funeral. Through all that I also felt a great sense of peace and light from my Father in Heaven. I felt the presence of Gideon very often and felt his words speak to my mind.
I knew this protection that surrounded me would soon leave and I was scared! Over the next couple of weeks the grief came off and on. I felt so blessed that it wasn't as difficult as I expected. Then one day.... it all changed. The darkness thickened and the sorrow became almost unbearable. I felt like I was in a cocoon. The dark gray that enfolded me was impenetrable. I would see the mountains that surrounded me remembering that I felt the beauty and serenity they offered but I just couldn't reach it. I see the sunlight and the healing it offers but that dark cocoon that has engulfed me is relentless. I try to scratch my way out and I don't get anywhere. My mind is numb. I can do things and not remember that I've done them. I have to write every little thing down that needs to be done as soon as I think of it or I just won't remember. I forget to feed my children lunch or put in the next load of laundry. I wander the house or sit frustrated that I can't seem to think of what I need to do. I feel like I see through a dark looking glass that is smudged and dirty. At times I can't make heads or tails of what I see. But others, the view is clear and discernible yet tinged with gray. Once in a while that cocoon will get a puncture a small stream of light will get through and I feel happiness.
In the last couple days the sorrow has been so overpowering that I can barely stop the tears. I feel the anger seeping in and I hate it. Not the anger at God but anger in general. I feel an angry thought and want to lash out yet I can also recognize it is not the fault of whatever or whomever I feel angry at but the grief that is speaking. So many of my insecurities are rearing their ugly heads again. Those things that Satan has used on me, some since I was a child, to keep me down and make me forget who I am. I don't like this. I don't want it anymore. I dream of laying on a quiet beach letting the sound of the waves lull me into a sense of peace while the sun burns away that cocoon that is smothering the joy right out of me. To eventually have the sun reach my skin burning me to the point that I can feel again. Having the light sink deep into my soul warming me and bringing a genuine smile to my face.
I cry out often to my Father. Prayers of grief, prayers of gratitude and prayers for my children. My Father is there. He has not deserted me and reminds me often that all things are for my good. There is so much more to this than Gideon dying and one day the joy will win out. I am reminded often that Jesus is the healer of my soul and the giver of peace to my children. The cocoon will receive more punctures letting in more light and they will be permanent. But for now I am to learn some things and I need to trust that I will succeed. I am ever grateful for the strength of spirit that I have been given. Grateful for a kind husband that tries with all his might to do what is right. Grateful for a new perspective and new doors to be opened in our lives. I am grateful for a greater work that is ours to do. A work that needs us to go through this dark trial so we have Gideon on the other side helping us succeed. There is much darkness for the moment but as was said to Joseph Smith:
"Know thou my son that all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for they good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?"
I met your sweet Gideon on January 29th during my pediatric rotation at Primary Childrens. I just want you to know in that short time I got to meet Gideon he touched my life as did your journey you have been on. I could feel the sweet spirit that Gideon had and still has, what a sweet little boy that is now in heaven watching over your beautiful family. I admire your strength and love for your family. You are truly an inspiration to me. I found out about the passing of your sweet son from Tiffany Pyle she is my aunt.
ReplyDeleteThank you April for your kind words. It really does mean a lot!
DeleteOh my dear friend, you are actually grieving well. I think we talked about it being hard work and it is. I know as you know that Heavenly Father and the Savior are near. I believe that Gideon will be close for some time. You need him and he needs you. You are amazing. This post is real and much needed by others that are grieving. You tell it like it is and we all need to understand that grieving is work and it will have it sweet moments too. Peace will come and your experience will help others in their times of need. Love and hugs!
DeleteI truly hope I can help someone else. It is hard to be so exposed sometimes. But you know that about me.
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