Thursday, March 13, 2014

I Thought Of You Today

I have been involved in helping a little boy in China get the medical help he needs for his heart. If he doesn't get surgery ASAP he will most likely die very soon. I have been waiting for a Heart Cath report to arrive from China so our doctors could evaluate him better and make a plan of action in hopes of getting a medical visa. A week ago this little guy was deemed inoperable in China just like Gideon so we have had hope that someone in the US could help. This morning I excitedly received the DVD. It wasn't supposed to be here until tomorrow. It was a perfect set up by God. Our Cardiologist was available to evaluate the results as soon as I could get in and Hannah our 13 year old had stayed home as she was fighting the tail end of the flue. That meant I also had a babysitter.

 I couldn't believe how Heavenly Father was making this so easy. I was doing so well emotionally and I could see the tender mercies clearly this morning. I headed to the hospital and met with our doctor. He decided to confer with a couple of other doctors on this little boy. By mid afternoon the emotions began to fall apart and I was just holding on. Kids came home from school and everyone wanted to talk to me. I got down to the bottom of my patience and had to dig deeper. The kids weren't doing anything wrong I just wasn't handling my emotions well. I then got a call from the Cardiologist. Bran, the boy in China has the same disease Gideon had, Heterotaxy, but with some stark differences. Bran's heart had several more serious problems. I was told very tenderly that the doctors didn't feel Bran was operable and he didn't have much time to live. My heart broke all over again. From that moment on I couldn't hold back the tears.

We had some friends drop by to check on us and give support and a gift. Perfect timing because I needed that hug and concern. The gift is a plaque that says;
                                                                                                                        I thought of you today,
But that is nothing new.
Thought about you yesterday
And days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
often speak your name.
All I have are memories and
your picture in a frame.
Your memory is a keepsake
from which I'll never part.
God has you in his arms,
I have you in my heart.
This had to be written by someone who has lost a child because it is my truth. I not only cried for Gideon but at that moment I cried for Bran too. We have a spot that would be perfect for that little body right on top of Gideon. A place for them to be together and be brothers, but that won't happen. Bran will most likely die without the love of a mother or father. No siblings to bring him a smile in the hardest moments and no eternal family for right now. I know God makes all things right but I just want it to be right right now. Now here's the real and scary part for me, I don't want to see another picture of a sad face and intense eyes pleading with me to bring him home. I felt like I lost two sons today and one is not even mine. I connected with Bran. I considered adopting him but he's not available. I can do nothing about the hurt of this precious child of God. I have to turn it all over to our Father and have faith. Sometimes I don't like to have faith, I just want it my way. Then I remind myself that Father in Heaven knows what is best for all of us. Bran is not my son but Heavenly Fathers and he will bless him immeasurably in the eternities. Oh how I hope he will be ours and we will receive him as our blessing.  As for my heart... the Lord will take care of that in time. Maybe there will be some miracle. Our God is a God of miracles but truly I don't think that miracle of healing is for Bran. No adoption, no family on this earth.
On a lighter note. Bria, who is 5, has become obsessed with her birthday. She is telling me many times a day what she wants and asks for me to help her make a list. Her birthday is not until September! When I was tucking her in bed she told me of something else she wants. I needed to help her focus on what she has and not what she wants. I told Bria to think of some things she is grateful for. She said coloring. I started to say, "You know, some people don't have hands or fingers to color with." I was hoping to help her be grateful that she had hands to color with. You know hands like mine, complete. I stopped myself and had to smile. Bria is missing most of her fingers. :)
Oh, and she colors beautifully!


  1. Hi, my name is Lisa Llewellyn and I am also LDS. I came across your blog today via a Facebook post from a friend, and I do not believe it was a coincidence. I have been involved with raising adoption grants for orphans with special needs for the past 5 years. We have not adopted yet, but I have always been drawn to adoption and orphan care in general. A few weeks ago, I had the distinct impression that we should host an orphan this summer. I was led to a boy who is in need of eyelid surgery. I found a surgeon who is willing to perform the surgery for free. The ironic thing about it is that this same surgeon will be in the orphan's country (only a few hours away from his orphanage in fact) this fall on a humanitarian trip with the LDS church. This got me thinking....doctors are going on humanitarian trips constantly. Do they help orphans when they are on these trips? What about the orphans that are hours away - but theoretically close enough to get help if they had someone to get them to the clinic? Anyway, I have spent the past few days googling and searching for information that would help me know where to start - who to possibly contact to start a non-profit that connected orphans with surgeons. Maybe I could enlist church members and missionaries in these countries to help with transportation and after-care. Do you have any ideas where I should start? I realize I am leaving a random comment on a blog and maybe I will never hear back from you, but I think your experience with Bran may have a higher purpose. If you have any advice on who I could contact (maybe with the church or another group who is already doing something similar to help orphans get medical care), please contact me at lisamichelle @ gmail . com

    1. Lisa, I think what you want to do is fantastic.

  2. I feel so sad about Bran. You are so amazing to have just taken this challenge and ran with it. I can see how what happened with Bran would cause more sadness in losing your little one. Someway, there must be a plan for these children that arrive in the Spirit World without a family. I do think they find peace and love there. I like the thought that maybe you can have Bran someway in the next life. I wish we had more answers to our questions.
    Bria is so adorable; I loved your conversation with her.
    Blessings and hugs!

    1. I have no doubt that the orphans of this earth receive get joy and happiness in the next life and will at some point have their eternal family. We have a very loving God who loves the children. He will not rob them of that blessing. It's just hard to imagine who may greet them in the hereafter and wish that it would be my kin. Maybe there may still be a miracle in this life for Bran or/and us.