I get this question very often. I have two answers depending on how I am doing. When I am in the mode and handling things well the answer is "One day at a time". But in times like the last couple of months the answer has become "I don't know". When I say this what I am really saying is "I have no idea how to do everything and I feel all control slipping through my fingers". Wow do I feel that way today.
I have been exercising faith diligently lately. I don't mean just trying. This is the real meaning of EXERCISE, sweat, sore muscles, sheer exhaustion and all that goes with it. I have held on well and every night have been proud of myself for doing so well that day. I have also said sincere prayers of gratitude that the Lord has increased my patience, faith and abilities to do. There is no way this flawed human, with so much weakness, can do everything that is required of me. How grateful I have been. Then this morning hit.
I have some close family friends that have a daughter that is going through a rough bout of cancer. She wrote a very inspiring post yesterday about having a melt down but pulling yourself up by the bootstraps and moving forward in faith. This morning was my melt down. The straw that broke the camels back was an evaluation for one of the children to help with Neurological issues. This program will hopefully help with some deficiencies that are causing challenges and will in the long run make life very difficult. As I was there it became very clear that I have a few children that may need this therapy. I was aware of this but hearing it is different. I felt guilty as though I had caused the problems and started to cry in front of a stranger, the therapist. She tried to help remind me it is not my fault it is just the way it is. This program is a series of exercises that need to be done daily. They take a total of about an hour which I thought, "OK I can sacrifice another hour". Now that I know what this hour looks like it became much harder. All the exercises have to be split up in the day so it's not just set aside an hour it's plan your whole day around it. Not just for one child but 3 for now and at least one more needs it badly.
Well, I have finally decided that 16 is our number. Hopefully we will be complete when our children are home from China. I often wondered if I would ever feel done as a mother. I can say that even if I don't feel done I don't know that I could do anymore. I don't know how I'm going to do all this but I have faith that I will be given all the abilities that I need. Angels will continue to be there to assist us and we are held in the Lord's hands. Our Father in Heaven is our childrens father. He loves them more than I do and wants their success and happiness more than I can. He will not leave me. As said by Jeffrey Holland "He has, He remind us, "graven thee upon the palms of my hands"(1 Nephi 21:16) Considering the encomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion, Christ is not going to turn His back on us now." So Janet, I will pick myself up by the boot straps. And as Nephi states "I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them." (1 Nephi 3:7)
And to remind myself.
I TOO "WILL GO AND DO"