Thursday, February 27, 2014

Greiving

I knew this was coming. The absence of Gideon has hit hard. Monday Malia (7) called, crying,  20 minutes after school started asking me to pick her up. I had no hesitation picking her up because she had sobbed herself to sleep the night before and woke up crying. At 2:00pm Clayson (9) called. Back to the school I went. Just being home gives them a sense of safety and comfort. They both wrote in their journals and glued pictures of Gideon in their books. It was very therapeutic. Today Casey came to me asking if he could stay home. I asked why, knowing full well but wanting him to express it. He broke down and cried and just said "Gideon". He went down stairs and fell asleep on the couch. 2 hours later he was on his way to school.

The sorrow can be so consuming and you just don't know when or why it will hit. I wanted to help Sereen after giving birth to Sierra a week ago. I have felt neglectful of both Sereen and Sierra. I want them to know I think of them and love them, so I did Sereen's shopping. She did the same for me while I was in the hospital. Wal-Mart was fairly easy but Costco was not so good. I had packed a snack for the kids and while handing them out realized that I had packed 4 snacks and only needed 3. We got diapers and it hit me so hard that I no longer needed diapers or wipes. It seemed everything there reminded me of something about Gideon. I just wanted to run out of the store and hide but I knew I had to face this. I can't just run away or I will never feel joy and peace. The pain just got worse and worse. I pasted my smile on my face and tried to pretend all was well. If I had seen anyone I knew I would have broken down right there.

Just as expected, we are all experiencing the grief differently and at different times. For the most part we are doing well. Life is back to the normal activities. Service needs to become the focal point of every one's lives. I know that through prayer and service we will overcome the sorrow more quickly and grow to be better people. I am in the process of making bibs for a Cleft lip and pallet surgery trip for Love Without Boundaries. I may not be keeping up on the house like I should be. But as I do the bibs my thoughts go to better places. Service is such a blessing to our souls. Just like blogging at the moment. This morning has been very hard but as I write I can feel some of the weight lift and a light take it's place.

Once again I say "I can do hard things". I still would not trade this experience or Gideon passing for him to be here. I know he is filled with joy and happiness and that one day we will raise him to maturity. We will experience joy beyond comprehension when that day comes.


 
We set up a display of some of the things important to us and Gideon.
The Thomas book was given to him the day he entered the hospital this last visit.
He had to have it with him at all times. It was so important to him that
I made sure the doctors had the book in the Cath lab
so as soon as Gideon woke up it would be there.
Sure enough, the first thing he asked for was his book.
That was before he was even coherent.

 
We had a friend make this beautiful casket for Gideon.
That story will come in another post,
 written by Doug, in the next day or two.
 


 
These are dear friends of ours. From the beginning of our journey
to bring Gideon home they have been by our side.
No other person was as involved or in love
with Gideon like these friends.
Their support and love is invaluable and we
count them as some of our greatest blessings.
Thank you Christine and Jean!

 
The poignant thing about this picture is the look on my
brothers face. He is in the very back behind the tent with the red tie.
He is so full of love and compassion. I can not see this picture
without tearing up.

 
Each sibling and parent placed a rose on the casket as we said goodbye.

 
You will notice the smiles on our faces.
We know we will see Gideon again.
He is sealed to us for eternity.
He is ours!!

 
The Thurgoods are as close to family as you get.
Janet wrote a song for Gideon a few days after his death.
She and her daughter Jessica
sang it at the funeral. It was beautiful.
The song eased some questions I had and was no doubt
a partial contribution of Gideon.

 
I couldn't resist this and the next picture. What beautiful boys!
Hyrum, asks for Gideon several times a day.
This comes from a boy that just a few weeks before Gideon went to the hospital
was in tears because Gideon had taken a toy or hurt Hyrum. He cried in my arms
and said "I don't want Gideon for my brother".
He did not mean it and now he is filled with sorrow because his shadow
is no longer there.

 
The purity and joy that a baby brings is so healing.
I love little Grant.
 

3 comments:

  1. I'v been following your journey since his hospitalization. I still know my reassurances will not make it any easier, but know that someone you don't know is praying for your entire family. I can truthfully say I do know what you are going through, as I lost my only child in 2006. It sounds like everyone is working through their grief as well as can be expected. Hope you begin to see some relief very soon.

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  2. This is such a sweet heartfelt post of your grieving moments. You are doing such a wonderful job helping your children deal with the grief of losing a brother. Your journey is very inspiring and I just want you to know you are all in our prayers. It is a privilege to know and love you all. Love and hugs!

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  3. There just aren't words for how incredibly sad my heart is about Gideon. Praying for you and thinking of your children every day. Someone gave me a picture once of Jesus sitting down in a garden surrounded by children of every race. I think of that image all the time when I have to say goodbye to a child far too soon. I always picture them sitting in that garden filled with sunlight and warmth, feeling completely safe and loved and at peace with God. Their faces are always filled with joy in my mind. No more sickness, no more fears...just pure and complete LOVE. I know you will be with Gideon someday again, but I know how very hard it is to have to face the grief as you mourn. Praying for you every day, Deanne. I am so glad you were chosen to be Gideon's momma.

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