Monday, May 12, 2014

Are We Done Yet?

I had a few interesting experiences over the week. First, a friend of mine announced she was having a baby. She is on the older side and was not emotionally prepared for it. She made a statement that she wasn't looking forward to having another baby and all that comes with it. She in no way wanted to be pregnant. Hearing these things have always made me sad but this time my heart hurt. I want her baby! I want to tell her what a blessing it is to be trusted with one of Heavenly Father's children. To help this friend understand that though it may seem hard right now the blessings are more than worth it! I want her to feel the love of her child and rejoice in it.

The next experience occurred while talking with another friend. We were talking about my kids growing up and she asked if I missed having someone crawling around. Most people assume I would be happy to be out of that stage and like most people, that is the way she asked the question. Come to find out she didn't know how old Gideon was, thinking he was around 7 instead of turning 3, so she had no idea, until a few minutes later, what she had asked. I took absolutely no offense. I have been feeling the loss of changing diapers and no shadow following me all the time but how could she have known that?  I wasn't sure how to answer her question. I was a little perplexed, so I paused and said something like "That's a good question". I don't remember how the conversation went after that but she felt so incredibly bad for saying something she felt was offensive. I hope she isn't fretting over that, I would. That question rooted more deeply in my heart my desire to have a little one around again.

There were three of us talking during the same visit as the previous friend. The other friend has had two late term miscarriages. I asked her some questions about what she went through and some of her feelings. Since the last miscarriage she has had an adorable little girl. The thing that struck me was he saying that having her littlest girl healed her of the pain of loss caused by her miscarriages. She still thinks of the lost children but she is not in the same pain. I too experienced that in my life and she reminded me of the same feelings I had gone through at another time in my life.

Through my research and study of loss and grief I have come to learn that it is very normal for a mother to strongly desire to have another child after their loss. I am no exception to this. I feel once again the longing for a baby. I was the girl in church that always had someone's baby in my arms if at all possible. I have noticed every baby around, sometimes bringing tears, and a longing to fill my empty arms and the empty spot that Gideon left. We can't replace Gideon but as Doug said when I expressed my feelings, it is more about having the extra love and needing a place for it to go. He too feels we can never replace Gideon but understood what I was feeling. (What a good man.)

People have asked us if we are done adopting. Since Gideon has been gone some have gently broached that subject. After Scott we knew that we had done what the Lord asked of us. We had gathered all the children he required, despite me feeling like there may be a little baby in our future. At that time we felt confident we were done. If we wanted to adopt again the Lord would support us but it would be our choice. I think sometimes we receive revelation interpreting it one way and later realizing that what we thought, was not  really what would happen. I now understand that Heavenly Father was giving us a choice so we felt we had agency but not that He intended for us to be done. With Gideon passing on, our hearts are open and our desires are different. The impressions of a little one have never left and  a couple of months before Gideon died I prayed that if we had a baby to come, please allow Gideon to be here for it. He LOVED babies. In the two weeks before Gideon died the impressions of another child came even more forcefully. I don't know yet what these feeling have specifically been. I know, there can be many interpretations and I have gone through just about every scenario and none feel right except another child we call ours. With all that said I go back to what my friend said, what I have experienced, and what I know to be true. A baby is very healing and we would all embrace that gift.

I don't know what the Lord has planned but we will follow wherever He leads. Doug and I would love to have another little one in our family. From very early on in our marriage we have had a policy that our door is always open. If we are blessed once again with another of our Father's precious children we will embrace them with our whole heart. For now, we will be faithful, praying to be in tune with the will of our Father in all things.

P.S. My promise to be real? Well, this subject is very close to my heart and opens me up like I have never done in public before. Maybe 3 or 4 people have heard me say anything about this. If you feel the need to judge be gentle with me, please.

This post was written the end of March. I don't know why I felt like I needed to wait to post it but now is the time. I was afraid of such tender feelings being judged and ridiculed. I am now stronger in this, and though it would hurt to be judged, I also know that I'm ok and my feelings come from a pure place and not from a place of grief. Thank you all for your support and faith in us.



  1. Through reading your blog I have grown to love your family -- I find joy in your successes and am saddened by your pain. Interesting the way the blog world can bring emotion like that into your heart about a family you have never known, aside from the virtual world. I adore your family and am inspired by your selfless life. Thank you for your heartfelt post. It is exactly what I needed to hear in my life today.

  2. I have been a silent reader but I wanted to say how much I admire you and your family. Your strength and love is amazing and most inspiring. Thank You.

  3. You truly are an amazing couple and your family is such great examples. I think it is perfect for you to add to your number. I know how important and loved each of your sweet children are. You have such an open heart and I know you both will be greatly blessed with the desires of your heart.
    I loved watching you hold the sweet little one in Sunday School and I saw the love you have for children.
    Blessings to you both, dear friend.