Life is Hard

 Two weeks ago we got a call at 2:30 in the morning. It was a police officer in Utah notifying us that Casey had been in a very serious motorcycle accident. We got on the first plane to Utah and met him at the hospital about 12:00 pm. We had gotten a call from a doctor asking us what measures we wanted to take to sustain life. We chose to keep him going until we got there and could evaluate the situation. That was the beginning of a very long hard journey.

This morning I was feeling the need to have my voice and inner feelings heard. I won't use this as a place for Casey updates alone but more a place to sort through and acknowledge my personal journey. Maybe a personal therapy. 

Casey is a miracle thus far. He was not supposed to survive. It was about 8 days after the accident we were informed that we were no longer worried about his dying but how he would now live. Traumatic Brain Injuries are very different from person to person and Casey is in the very serious category. Because there is really no normal for healing, this is what they have said to us, and the severity of his injury, we have not gotten much information or a prognosis other than this is bad and it will be a very long recovery. How long we ask and what are some of the markers we are looking for? How long, 6 months to a year for him to function. All other questions go unanswered. We get informed when they want to do something or what they have already done. No information, no explanations unless we push for it. I think part of that is because they didn't think any of this would matter. He was going to die. We are slowly getting information about other damage from the accident through conversations relating to the brain injury.  

Many people have reached out to us in support with prayers and offers to help. We are helpless here. We appreciate the love and concern and it does help but we have no answer on what others can do to help. Our needs are so big that people can't just step in and take over. We were hit in the face yesterday with reality. It's not that we weren't being realistic but our faith and hope were depleted. The length of time we will need to be in Utah to help and support Casey came crashing down on me. We are looking at 3-4 months at least. 

As the timeline became clear my thoughts went to my other children. I have not had the ability to be a mom to them for almost 2 weeks. Some of them are fragile in their attachment and need consistent and constant love. Others have jobs, camps that may need to be cancelled and now living as vagabonds amidst great emotional turmoil. We have some hard decisions to make not just regarding Casey's needs but also the needs of the other members of the family. I just don't know how I am going to do all this. How do I manage helping Casey heal, the physical and emotional needs of the family without burning the other older kids out. Hannah is taking so much of the burden and she is feeling it heavy. I know we can do all things with the help of Christ but I can't let Hannah burn out too. All this does not even take into account my own emotional and physical needs. Doug has a major burden with the financial side as well. He feels a great need to take care of the family yet he too is sitting here pretty helpless. His business has dropped off and he lost a client in his home care business. Last week was very hard as he had one client that was a friend go back on his word and give Doug much trouble with a loan. In the end Doug had to just let it go and lost part of our income. Two other loans he has been working on also don't look promising unless there is a miracle. 

I think some of the shock has worn off and the reality of our lives have set in deeply. So many emotions and thoughts that I can't seem to get a hold of. Some of them come with guilt for not being more faithful. In my mind this morning I was so much more eloquent. I somehow had things a little more clear then I go to write and everything is clouded again. People text and message to ask how Casey is doing. We tell people he is making progress because he is. They answer back, they are glad to hear there is progress. I then have a swirl of emotions come, an adrenalin rush once again that adds to the very high level I already live in. ( Constant adrenalin is not a good thing. I feel sick and achy all the time.) My thoughts are charitable yet I want to yell out "He is doing better because he is not dead! He is not even close to good though!" I don't want to be the charity case or the complainer so I keep it positive. Being positive is so important. Being a strength and a light to others is also good. So I keep going and I keep trying. 

I guess that is why I am here. This is my place to be heard. The real raw part of me. The place where I acknowledge my waning faith or complete lack thereof. A documentation of my sorrow and pain. The highs and the lows.

I do have faith. I have to remind myself of this. If I had not had very difficult things in the past I could not do what we are faced with today. I know that Heavenly Father is aware and has a plan, right down to the details. I just need to trust completely but I don't know how quite yet. I know that my Savior Jesus Christ loves me and each member of my family. I plead that his atonement will reach the deepest places of their hearts and heals the wounds inflicted there. I can't do all they need but Jesus Christ can. I will always proclaim his goodness as I struggle to become more like him.

The tears fall freely today no matter how hard I try to hide them. So many spiritual and physical questions and not enough answers. Thoughts of lost dreams and plans and changes to our family. We will get through this and all will be well but this journey is hard.